I had a conversation with a friend the other day and the topic of permanent chastity came up. He’s worn a chastity cage for short periods of time through the last few years and has now come to the conclusion that he wants to make it permanent. The conversation went something like this:
“Oh wow, that’s a big step,” I said when he first told me. “How have you come to this decision?”
“Well, I really like the idea of the long term commitment. It’s going really well and I think she’d like it if I suggested it to her.”
Before we get into my thoughts following this conversation, let’s talk about the idea of permanent chastity. If you’re new to the world of chastity, or even if you’re a regular wearer of a chastity cage, it’s hard to avoid posts online implying that being locked chastity indefinitely is the “end goal” for any self-respecting cage wearer. This is an idea I’m here to challenge and you’ll see why in the following sections.
Being locked up is a commitment but the cage is a part of chastity, not the whole entity. There’s a definite feedback loop that helps with this - my cock is caged therefore I am in chastity therefore my rude thoughts are managed because I can’t get access to my cock because my cock is caged and so on and so forth.
The chastity cage is a sign of your devotion to your Dominant, but chastity is also a mindset. There will (or there should be!) moments where you are not wearing your cage - it doesn’t mean you are any less in chastity. Like you are still married, even if you’re not wearing a wedding ring.
The other thing to consider is that your chastity journey doesn’t have to follow any particular path - and definitely not because other people on the internet say so. The journey of others should be inspiring, thought-provoking and give you that sense of community - but not be a map of what you should be doing. Being locked in chastity permanently works for some people, but it doesn’t work for others for a variety of reasons.
But coming back to the idea at hand, what are the problems with this particular idea of permanent chastity?
Mistake number 1 - Communication
Until that point I was the only person he’d discussed this with.
Let’s call my friend Tom. Tom was devoted to his Mistress for 6 years before they became a couple. They met on the kink scene and hit it off immediately. After a few play sessions, both at events and in private, she collared him and he became Hers. It was a beautiful thing to see and an even more beautiful thing to watch their relationship, in a personal and in a kink sense, blossom over the following years.
In their kink relationship, she introduced him to chastity after seeing a number of others wearing cages. It fit their dynamic easily, benefited them both and before long, he was regularly wearing his cage for up to a month at a time before being granted a release.
This went on for the years that I’ve known them and the time Tom spent locked up varied depending on their needs. Whether that unlocking was for a public tease-and-denial session, a ruined orgasm or just for them to have sex, chastity worked for them. Tom himself admitted that he had come to quite enjoy when she ruined his orgasms because it not only felt necessary to “keep him in line” as he would say, but to reinforce their dynamic as well.
From everything I knew, they had a solid relationship but this comment sent the first alarm bells ringing.
If Tom was contemplating permanent chastity, this wasn’t something he should be contemplating with me first - decisions of this importance need to be made mutually, starting with a discussion about how they both felt about the idea of it.
That should go for any relationship dynamic or partnership structure and whilst it seems romantic or dedicated to try to “surprise” your partner/Dominant with this idea, I really have to caution against it. It’s not uncommon for submissives to love the idea that their dominant partner makes all the decisions for them (which you might also know as High Protocol or Female Led Relationships) but not all decisions are created equal, especially ones that might have a long term impact on your wellbeing or physical health. Full and enthusiastic consent are key!
I bit my tongue and he carried on talking.
Tom: “I’ve found a cage that’s really comfortable and the extra bit of room in the cage means there’s a nice amount of teasing pain when Mistress plays with me.”
Mistress K: “So there’s some space at the end of the cage? You don’t fill the cage to the end? Does the back ring fit you well? Your balls don’t change colour at all?
Tom: “No, I don’t fill it to the end, but that’s OK. As I say, there’s room to grow into. The back ring fits fine. Some discolouration at times, but that it goes away when I settle down. Nothing to worry about.”
Mistake 2 - Make sure you have a chastity cage and back ring that fit correctly
Tom spoke with a lot of confidence about his chosen permanent cage, but actually there’s a few key things that he said that made me realise he hadn’t thought this fully through.
The cage that he had sounded like it worked perfectly well for him and his Mistress with regular unlockings but could have been more comfortable for him.
Firstly the cage fit. You should really fill the cage to the end to minimise any growth when you attempt to get erect. This will stop the cage pulling forwards, which can cause some friction underneath the back ring. From my experience sleeping next to my caged submissive, it can lead to discomfort and waking up numerous times during the night as a result. Not ideal, for either of us. This Mistress needs her sleep!
Next up to confront is the back ring. So many men think that going for the smallest back ring will offer the highest level of security and that going small will stop you from pulling out. I understand the logic, but it’s flawed. For long term wear it’s not only essential for your comfort that the ring fits properly, but for your health too. Cutting off your blood flow can have catastrophic consequences and will land you in the hospital if you don’t deal with the problem quickly. Having your plums turn a deep shade of purple isn’t good, so measure correctly before deciding on a ring that you’ll wear all the time.
Another thing to consider with the back ring is the weather. Sounds strange, but hear me out. During the warmer months of the year you’ll find that your genitals become more, what’s the word, engorged? If you have a Master or Mistress and they’ve held ice to your balls (quite fun if you haven’t tried it. Thinking about the moans and screams it elicited brings back enjoyable memories) you’ll know all about the flip side of this. Your cock and balls shrink and try their very best to hibernate back inside your body. For this reason you should probably have back rings available in different sizes to make adjustments depending on the temperature.
I’ll admit, I gave him a raised eyebrow and sighed internally at this comment - thinking about how to encourage him to measure himself again for his back ring, but we continued.
“I keep seeing guys on Twitter posting videos where they snap the key off or super glue the lock shut. It’s scary as shit but but I still want to do it.”
Mistake 3 - Don’t snap the key or super glue the lock
And here is where my calm is officially damaged. Think of the Kill Bill sirens playing in your head. I just about stop myself from slamming my face into the table in front of me to try to forget what Tom’s just said.
For fuckssake, please, do not snap the key or super glue the lock. Whilst it’s great for content baiting and engagement - the likes, the shares, the comments! - the internet is not (always) real life. This is an incredibly irresponsible thing to do and demonstrates how you’re not thinking about your own wellbeing such as:
- What happens in the case of a medical emergency if you’re not able to remove the lock and release yourself? Did you think what might happen if your balls swell up or an abrasion forms on your penis? I don’t think you did!
- If your body responds to the environment (see mistake 2) and if the back ring is too small you need to be able to unlock yourself or have someone else do it so that you can change to a different ring size.
- Hygiene. I can’t impress this on you enough. Remove your cage at least once a week (and I mean at least) for a thorough cleaning. If you haven’t been circumcised a build up of smegma will form under your foreskin. It’s not healthy letting it build up and the smell can be unpleasant. Do us all a favour and keep yourself clean. For your health and the benefit of others who don’t have to smell you.
- Orgasms are healthy! According to a Harvard study, “compared to men who reported 4-7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer”. So, if you ever needed an excuse, regular milking isn’t only pleasurable, but also medically recommended. Just make sure that you shower properly after each milking if you cum while caged to ensure you remain clean.
So there you have it, my chastity enthusiasts, there’s my arguments against 'permanent' chastity. There is a “but” though (as all good things should have), and it’s something I mentioned at the start of this post. Many of you may have clicked on this article with the idea that “permanent chastity” meant that what was between your legs is caged up and never to be touched again. There will be no unlocking for you.
It’s a lovely fantasy, one of which many of us have entertained, but it is a fantasy. The reality of it is quite different. There are numerous occasions where you have to be unlocked or go sans cage for a period of time - life does get in the way of our kinky existences sometimes!
If you have a Master, a Mistress, a Mxtrix or a Keyholder, talk to them about other ways to prevent you from touching yourself when you’re not locked - restraints, thigh-to-wrist cuffs, the possibilities are as limitless as your imaginations. And if you self-lock, and need to be uncaged, it requires a lot more discipline but is always worth it.
My final words are simple. Be smart and safe. If your keyholder decides that you’re to be locked in chastity permanently, you need to be actively consenting to that and understand the parameters of this idea.
In what circumstances will you be freed? How do you unlock it in an emergency? What happens if your relationship changes? These conversations can be uncomfortable or awkward but trust and honesty is so crucial on both sides.
If a random Dominant on the internet orders you to lock yourself and send them all your keys so you don’t have access to one, please...please...please don’t do that. Be smart, sensible and safe.
Promise, this is the last one. For fuckssake, DON’T BREAK THE KEY TO YOUR CAGE OFF IN THE LOCK. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mistress K
Mistress K (she/her) is a queer kinky woman and in a long-term chastity-led relationship with Slave D, the other half of the dynamic duo who run House of Denial.
Thoughtfully dedicated to consent-led BDSM practices and interactions, Mistress K supports our community via our customer service channels (does that make her a service top domme?) by engaging with anyone interested, enthusiastic or curious about chastity.
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Comments
Mistress K:
@Steve
I think that’s a very safe and healthy way of looking at permanent chastity. Glad to hear that it works for you both and that your commitment means something when it’s honoured.
Dec 30, 2022
Steve:
Firstly thank you for an interesting post and as someone who considers themselves as permanently locked I thought I would add a comment.
I think permanent chastity is about a commitment not a symbolic gesture of breaking a key. Our version is that my penis will simply remain locked up without any planned release.
We still have the key but we sealed it in a laminate pouch and keep it in a safe. Symbolic not stupid.
We do not have a full on Dom/sub relationship but have practised Chastity for the past 6 years with me only being released when required. However with age penetrative sex becomes less comfortable and I felt that our sex life was being hampered as my wife felt that she should release me for penetration occasionally which was uncomfortable. Permanent Chastity simply removes that hurdle and we have had more and better sessions since reaching that decision.
Permanent Chastity to us really just means that my penis is no longer required for sexual purposes but we can both get plenty of pleasure in other ways.
Dec 30, 2022
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